Ok I posted this on my myspace awhile ago, and I just figured I would post it here on dA because I want to see what people think.

So I went to bed early (about 4 hours earlier than I usually do) so I woke up early. Laying there, contemplating wether I wanted to get up and turn on my 360 I said in my head "I am to fat to get up". Why is that though? There are alot of people I know that would say I am not fat, they would say I am 'average' or I just have a few extra pounds. In my eyes I am like flipping Shamu, I have man boobs bigger than most girls boobs my age and I should save up to get gastric bypass surgery. Why is that though? Honestly I cant really answer that all the way, the best I can do is give you my history and give you an excuse until the time I finally figure out why I think I am fat.

Weight History (with my excuses thown in):

Believe it or not, I used to be skinny. I used to be one of the smallest (shortest and skinniest) student in my classes in elementary school. About 4th grade was when I started to gain weight, I was now about the average weght of my peers and it was nice, but I didnt stop there I kept gaining weight til I was concidered 'fat'. Around 5th grade there was a few family tragedies (A few family members died in a short period of time, most significant was my grandpa) and it really hit me hard because I lived with my grandma and grandpa and it was also one of my first times ever having to deal with death. Shortly after all of the tragedies I became depressed and the only means I had to deal with my sadness was to either hang out with my friends or eat.

After 5th grade it was time to move on to middle school, I had to say good bye to many of my friends because they were going to be attending a different school than me and now my only way to deal with my depression was to eat alot. It was easy to see in middle school that I was fat, actually to be perfectly honest I wasnt the biggest student, but I was far from being the smallest. About a month and a half into my 6th grade year there was an incident and I ended up emergency expelled from school and would not be able to return for a few months. One of the demands of my school was that I see a psychologist and be treated for depression, around that same time I was also diagnosed with ADHD. The only ways of treating my conditions was to put me on medication. In my opinion neither medication really worked, both of them just made me tired and I noticed that I wasnt eatting as much as normal, but at the same time gaining weight.

So I finally get to come back to school, the people I expected to still be my friends now gave me the cold shoulder and I had to start finding new friends. 7th grade my cousin convinced me to try out for the wrestling team because I was the perfect build (short, broad shouldered and could lift weight), it was fun I guess I mean I was still on my medication and I was like a zombie so it was impossible for me to be agressive and win any of my matches. So 7th grade I wrestled on the junior varsity team and was somewhere around the 140-170 weight class (I was 120 before I was put on medication). I didnt win a single match and going into a match I wasnt thinking "Ok I am going to go for the pin", no I was now thinking "Ok I am going to try and last til the 3rd round".

8th grade, wow where to start. So this was about the time I had to start dealing with the kids who think they are tough because they can put other people down. In 7th grade there was about 2-3 students that I would try and avoid because they would pick on me, by asking me what a certain slang word meant and I couldnt answer because I wasnt up to date with slang (maybe it was the music I listen to, I was into country music and most students my age were into rap and rock). I am starting to get off topic sorry, so like I was saying 8th grade: those 2-3 students that would pick on me suddenly turned into 5-6 and I had to deal with them every class. I had my friends though, they accepted me for who I was and some of them would stick up for me.

I continued with wrestling in 8th grade, and it was my last year so the coach wanted me to wrestle for the varsity team. I started out the year around 170, and about half way through the season started gaining more weight and I was now wrestling at 190. I was the only person on the team wrestling the weight class and never had to really try and defend my spot unless someone from 185 was trying to wrestle up a weight class. My doctors thought it would be a good idea to change my medication, because the pills were not working as much anymore, and suprise suprise I gain weight. I was now 210 and had to wrestle for my spot on the varsity team for the finals. I won a match with the other person on the team two weeks before the finals and was supposed to have the varsity spot, but I had to wrestle the kid again the week before the finals and I lost by points. I had to go to the junior varsity finals and who would have guessed it, but I actually get 2nd place out of 5 or 6 wrestlers (what can I say I am clutch ).

High school starts and I am at the normal high school that has atleast 1,000 students thought it seemed like 3,000. I felt fat everytime I walked though the crowds because everyone was skinny ( the guys were athletes and about half of the girls were stuck up anorexic blonds and the others were still skinny, but they werent the cheerleaders) I didnt like the crowds and my medication made it hard to fall asleep and stay asleep so it was nearly impossible to make it to school on time in the morning. I think I made it to first period on time only 6 or 7 times in the first month, and my first period teacher was mad at me and decided to give me detention. I didnt think it was my fault I mean I tried to go to bed early, but it would take me on average about 2 hours to fall asleep and it would take me about 30 minutes from the time I woke up to the time I am actually awake and could actually get out of bed.

So my mom worked at another high school and I asked her if I could transfer to her school and she said it would probably be the best because I had problems with big crowds and school started an hour later so I could get more sleep. I transfered two days before I was scheduled to serve my detention. At my new school I was one of the biggest students there, and the smalled classes didnt make it any easier. Shortly after starting at Tiger Mountain I went in for a check up with my doctor and he said that I had weight issues and I asked him how fat I was and he pulled out the charts and told me that I was fatter than 95% of the kids my age and hight (like that is supposed to help me with my depression ) I decided to get off of my pills because it was a hassel having to switch pills every other month because they wouldnt work over time and I wanted to sleep.

I gained 20-30 pounds after being taken off of my medication, and there are a number of things you could blame that on: 1. the medication, 2. not being active (though I was on the basketball team and the volleyball team), or 3. I finally got my appetite back after 4 years. So the summer between my sophmore and junior years I went to my grandma and grandpa (on my "fathers" side) and I decided to try something to lose weght: I starved myself. I was miserable, I couldnt sleep, when ever I had a cravin to eat I would just drink water until I wasnt hungrey anymore or until my stomach stopped aching on its own. I know starving yourself isnt natural, is dangerous and should never be done, but it worked for me. I went 2 weeks and had only 4 meals. I would sleep alot so there was less time for me to be awake thinking about food or having to deal with the temptations (commercials on television, other people eatting by me, etc.) During those 2 long weeks I lost 20 pounds.

The next school year I was excited to start because I was sure people would notice my weight loss, but just my luck no one did. When that happened I finally just realized, maybe I am meant to be fat... No just kidding I decided to watch use comedy. I know you probably dont know what I mean just yet, but let me get to that. I am funny, I can probably get anyone to laugh. Most of the time its just random stuff that makes them laugh, but what I noticed people liked the most was when I make fun of how fat I am. Maybe its just wierd to hear someone like me saying at christmas that I need to get a bra because I can barely see my feet... I dont know, but what I do know is me being able to take my in insecurties and make myslef and other people laugh is something that really helped me with confidence. I mean you can call me fat, and I will agree now, I will probably say a joke or act offended to see what people say next.

So my excuse for being fat: my medical history... and that I never get invited to partys or get to hang out with friends because I dont have any (just to throw that out there )

I have kept the 20 pounds off and have lost another 10 by cutting down on fast food (I eat fast food at most once a month) and I drink a soda maybe one every other week. I still feel I need to lose weight, but I know cutting down on sodas and fast food will continue to help me drop the pounds. So hopefully after reading this you will see why I am so hard on myself, I use comedy not only to help me with my weight, but also to make fun of me being a virgin and me probably never losing my virginity til I am 40. I know alot of people think I am hard on myself, but they need to know that me being hard on myself is my way of dealing with my insecurites and it also makes it so its hard for someone to really pick on me I mean if I am already saying that I am fat and ugly what can you say to hurt my feelings?

So yeah it was a long read and I am sorry, its just that alot of people have asked me why I make fun of myself and I wanted to make everything clear. If any of you still have questions just send me a message, I will answer honestly its like christmas everytime I get one because it happens like once every other week